Bigger Boat Hall Of Fame

Hello. Welcome to the first in a semi-regular (i.e when it occurs to me) feature where I pay tribute to the best stuff in the history of ever. That's right, welcome to the...

BIGGER BOAT HALL OF FAME #1



John Carpenter's The Thing.

Director - John Carpenter

Writer(s) - John W. Campbell Jr. (story)Bill Lancaster (screenplay)

Cinematographer - Dean Cundey




Here we have it. Pound for pound, punch for punch, push comes to shove (and lot's of other cliches that begin with 'p') the greatest horror movie ever made. You can take your Exorcist's, your Suspiria's and your Chainsaw's and you can put them somewhere else. This is numero uno baby. It's also the best remake ever. The Howard Hawk's original is fun but this blows it right out of the water. Or snow.

First, lets talk setting. A remote outpost in the middle of the Antartic. Twelve guys isolated from everyone and everything with only computer chess and videos of gameshows to keep them entertained. If anything goes wrong these guys are on their own. Luckily for us they do. Very, very wrong. Turns out that millions of years ago an alien ship crashed in the frozen wastes. Contents? One nasty, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial just waiting to be thawed out by some idiot Norwegians. And so the fun begins.

It's a good set-up sure, but in the hands of many directors it could have been straight-up Friday late night fare. A few scares, a few shocks, a gruesome death or two, the punters go home happy and instantly forget what they've just seen. A freeze-dried Friday The 13th if you will. Luckily we are in the reliable mitts of John Carpenter. At this point in a run of form that had seen him already knock out Assault On Precinct 13, Halloween, The Fog and Escape From New York, this was a man at the peak of his directorial powers. Under his steely gaze a B-Movie chassis has some real A-Class horsepower under the hood. Part of the credit for this has to go to Cinematographer Dean Cundey. Later to lens Jurassic Park for Spielberg, he makes the most of the genuine Arctic-style setting (actually the still-pretty-cold Stewart, British Columbia) mixing some striking on-location shots with some nimble interior work that makes the most of the claustrophobic sets.

Cast-wise, it's spot-on. Nothing flashy, just solid character acting from guys like Wilford Brimley, Keith David and Richard Masur. All of whom would go on to identify this as the highpoint of their on-screen lives. And then we have Kurt Russell. He had already given us one of cinema's greatest anti-heroes in Snake Pliskin, and soon he would give us the greatest hero in the history of cinema in Jack Burton. In between he would give us R.J MacReady. A chopper-flyin', cowboy hat wearing dude of the first order. Responsible for the second best line in the movie ("Cheatin' bitch") and the beard I am currently sporting today, his laconic cool fits the movie like a well thought out accessory. Like a funky hat or a really nice belt.

Now, let's talk effects. Real solid effects - not the CGI crap that 99% of movies try to fob us off with these days. Step forward Rob Bottin who almost single-handedly provided the gruesome creature work that give the movie it's visceral thrills. He was 22 when he did this. 22! I'm 23 now and I've done absolutely nothing. My that's depressing. Anyhoo... Where was I? Oh yes, effects. From the many-headed dog monster to the head with spider legs he creates images that you will not be able to forget. No matter how much you may want to. In fact, the scene with the spider legs also sets up the best line in the movie - "You have got to be fucking kidding me". It makes sense in context kids.

No list of the movie's majesties would be complete without a mention of the score. A work of brooding, ominous, bass-heavy genius by Ennio Morricone. It's one of the few Carpenter movies that isn't self-scored but, hey, if your gonna give up to anyone it might as well be Morricone (a line I'm sure the great composer must have used more than once himself to seal the deal with the ladies). Within the first few seconds it's this score that sets the icy tone that permeates the whole movie.

So then, The Thing. If you haven't seen it, watch it. If you don't own it, buy it. If you haven't seen it on the big screen, pester your local fleapit until they show it. If you have ever bemoaned Carpenter's more recent work remember he made this and you didn't. And if you think this was a reacharound for the director, wait until you seen my review of Big Trouble In Little China.